Mamma! Honey! Mamma! OK. What ever happened to Laura? For brief moments, I remember what my life was like. A much more awakened soul that had dreams of really becoming someone. Someone that people would remember. You know, leaving a stamp on someone else's heart. I knew her. I remember her. A much more motivated soul that had dreams of success. I knew her. I remember her. A much more independent soul that had dreams of taking the world by storm. I knew her. I remember her. My life hasn't exactly gone according to my plans that I developed when I was 13, 18, 25, or even 39 for that matter. My heart took a different path when I got married at 30 and became a mother at 36. My heart took another path when I gave birth to my children and one has Asperger's and the other does not. My heart took another path when I quit my job to stay home with my children. So, what ever did happen to Laura? Well, Mamma and Honey seem to proceed me. And that's OK. My heart is on a different journey now. My dreams are different, but my soul is still the same. I am learning to accept that my life didn't go according to plan. I live for something other than me. For brief moments, I remember the awakened, motivated, and independent soul. I cherish those memories of becoming me. So, in losing me, I have really just found another part of me. People may remember me, people may not. I may have left a stamp on someone else's heart, maybe I didn't. The journey that I seemed to have gotten lost in, is really the beginning of what I was meant to be. And that's OK.
oh laura, i dont think you have to lose yourself, just because you are a mom. sure, your exterior conditions have changed and your time is certainly not your own...you have shifted focus but your core self is still there. i wrote an essay when claire was first born using the metaphor of a tree -- even though the seasons changed and the tree lost its leaves, the trunk -- its core -- was always there and the same. when your kids grow up and dont need you as much anymore -- or just need you differently -- you must have a nurtured self that you still recognize. don't give up on your dreams and your old self. its still there. keep it alive.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely left your stamp on me Laura. . .a dedicated and compassionate mother, sweetheart of a friend and great employment neighbor. Dianna
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind posts. Sarah, I love your tree analogy. Sometimes I lose sight of what is inside of me. Dreams seem so distant right now, but I must believe. Thank you for the encouragement. Dianna - Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with me!
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog today. My seven year old son has Asperger's syndrome. I like what you said about losing yourself. I feel the same way. Life has taken on a different meaning.
ReplyDeleteDear Monica,
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to know that I am not alone. I hope that life brings you and your son happiness and understanding. It is "funny" how we lose ourselves in another part of ourselves... our children. Blessings to you!