Losing Me

Mamma! Honey! Mamma! OK. What ever happened to Laura? For brief moments, I remember what my life was like. A much more awakened soul that had dreams of really becoming someone. Someone that people would remember. You know, leaving a stamp on someone else's heart. I knew her. I remember her. A much more motivated soul that had dreams of success. I knew her. I remember her. A much more independent soul that had dreams of taking the world by storm. I knew her. I remember her. My life hasn't exactly gone according to my plans that I developed when I was 13, 18, 25, or even 39 for that matter. My heart took a different path when I got married at 30 and became a mother at 36. My heart took another path when I gave birth to my children and one has Asperger's and the other does not. My heart took another path when I quit my job to stay home with my children. So, what ever did happen to Laura? Well, Mamma and Honey seem to proceed me. And that's OK. My heart is on a different journey now. My dreams are different, but my soul is still the same. I am learning to accept that my life didn't go according to plan. I live for something other than me. For brief moments, I remember the awakened, motivated, and independent soul. I cherish those memories of becoming me. So, in losing me, I have really just found another part of me. People may remember me, people may not. I may have left a stamp on someone else's heart, maybe I didn't. The journey that I seemed to have gotten lost in, is really the beginning of what I was meant to be. And that's OK.

The Angel Has Fury

All toddlers have a dark side. Our little angels turn into to into someone that we don't even recognize as they are learning their boundaries and their dislikes. Little triggers of tantrums are unavoidable in a world that is unfair, even to us, as adults. Some people throw things; some people cry; some people hit; some people just shut down. We all handle stresses and disappointments differently. In the mind of a child, irritation can become outrage - if only for five minutes. In the mind of my Asperger's son, irritation can become outrage, then can become fury - for half an hour or longer. Where did my angel go? This human emotion of anger is natural for all of us, but with Alden, at the age of three, it seems exacerbated and uncontrolled when he is overloaded with information that he cannot decipher or the organized world that he created around him simply falls into disarray. Alden is just not sure how to channel his anger and frustration. In his line up of toys, mostly hotwheel cars, or now, car characters from the movie, "CARS,"one falls out of line, the world ends for a moment. It is best that his sister not be in his path, for she may fall victim to his catastrophy. To Alden, it is such that... a catastrophy. This thickened emotion ails Alden especially when he is tired. Alden is a wonderful, little guy most of the time. However, lately, the meltdowns seem to occur when we leave somewhere that he wants to stay or just before he goes to bed. Screaming, kicking, hitting, pushing - his outlet to finding his way back to good. Recently, I seem to find myself avoiding going places because, though he is only three, he seems to possess superhero strength during these meltdowns. Funny how anger is inherent, but patience is learned. We are teaching Alden to use his words when he is frustrated, which is so difficult for him in his rote world of extrinsic language. Patience and breathe... patience and breathe... patience and breathe... Hugs, kisses, persistence, and consistency, then more hugs and kisses. The angel has fury, but the rage of momma's demure will prevail.